yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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