the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
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It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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