I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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