Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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