You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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