The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
