Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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