I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Why did my mother make you get naked?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
