So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
well you can't waste a boner
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
