Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
