Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
The best revenge is premature balding
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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