Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
