This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
