im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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