Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.