You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Congratulations! We have a period
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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