I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
