god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
