It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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