if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
