Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
