I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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