I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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