I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
