I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i think i have two assholes
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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