my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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