We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
