Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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