I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
