At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize