you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Randomize
