Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
