awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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