i don't like sucking hair
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Randomize
