If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I think I won the penis lottery.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
