I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
