they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
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we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
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You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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