How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
