An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
