how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
