Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt