matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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