Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
