I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
