Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
