sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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