the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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