thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
