worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
