the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
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Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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