if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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