new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
