I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
