C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
