Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
