Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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