I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
