He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I AM VODKA MAN
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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